FIRST!!!!!!

Twat-aught nine, bitches.

Thought you knew.

Eric's Top 100 Films

Shaft
Ikiru
Shichinin no samurai
Citizen Kane
City of God
RoboCop
Goodfellas
Pulp Fiction
Badlands
La Haine
Ran
Clerks
The Royal Tenenbaums
Boyz N The Hood
Spartacus
Requiem for a Dream
The Big Boss aka Fists of Fury
The Shawshank Redemption
The Professional
Payback
The Seventh Seal
Maria Full of Grace
The Boondock Saints
Night of the Living Dead
A Clockwork Orange
Fight Club
The Long Goodbye
Federico Fellini's 8 1/2
Fin De Semana Para Los Muertos
Tenku no Shiro Rapyuta
Rear Window
Dirty Pretty Things
American Psycho
Oldeuboi
Wu jian dao
Kill Bill
The Godfather
Blow
Almost Famous
Amores Perros
Batman Begins
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
How High
Schindler's List
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Die Hard
Lost in Translation
Equilibrium
Primer
Grandma's Boy
The Terminator
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
No Country for Old Men
Thank You For Smoking
Don King: Only in America
Trainspotting
Malcolm X
Baby Face (Pre-Code)
My First Mister
Heathers
Idiocracy
Scarface (Original)
Everything Is Illuminated
Day of the Dead
Run Lola Run
G.I. Joe the Movie
The King of Kong
Man on Fire
Mallrats
Office Space
Battle Royale
Friday the 13th Part ?
Children of Men
Dead Alive
Fresh
Way of the Gun
Down to the Bone
Independence Day
Beer League
Naked Lunch
Marie Antoinette
Cemetary Man
Easy Rider
Hotel Rwanda
Jisatsu Circle
Lilja 4-ever
Donnie Darko
Mysterious Skin
The Last House on the Left
Slaughterhouse Five
Caddyshack
Brazil
Brick
The Return of the Living Dead
American Beauty
The Limey
Class of Nuke 'Em High
Braveheart
CB4
Le Notti del terrore aka Burrial Ground

Four Word Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Four Word Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Sex, Old-school, Doom, Kidnap

If you’re like me and tire of reviews that don’t get to the damn point then this review is for you. Four key words as to why you should see this movie. For people who like long ass reviews I’ve added explanations.

Spoilers so watch the fuck out.

4. Kidnap – As in Harry and Hermione let Dolores Umbridge get kidnapped by Centaurs in the fucking woods. I mean she had this coming, but I like to think Centaurs are equivalent to let’s say an inner-city street gang. They let an old bitch get carried off by the Black Gorilla Family in the middle of the night. Good shit H.P.

3. Doom – Fucking Lord Voldemort is back bitch and he’s gonna kill you. Everyone is doomed, yes even Ron.

2. Old-school – Old-school wizard fight. None of that Matrix/Superman style flashes of motion with a few attacks. No Voldemort and Dumbledore duke it out standing in place throwing forces of nature at one another until they run out of shit. They start with lighting from the wand, move to fire/ice/wind/etc and finish on dragons, glass and sand. They’re old and don’t feel like moving and when you can hurl dragons made out of fire at people why should you?

1. Sex – Harry gets laid. You only see kissing, but two students alone in a magic room whose sole purpose is to be exactly what you want – I’m sorry but that room created a magic bed and Harry hit it like a Griffin.

If it takes anything more to get you out of your crummy dump and go to the movies then I got nothing for you. See Harry potter get laid, watch old-school wizards duke it out, doom, and finally an old bitch get carried off by woodland gangsters.

Four Word Movie Review – The Omega Man (1971)

If you were illiteracy you’d be home by now. In an on going effort to read less and watch films more I have condensed a film review to four words. Additional text is provided for (stupid) people who require more explanation.

1. ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta – Heston shoots everything! If you leave out the photophobic family this could be a commercial for the National Rifle Association.

2. Family – The family is great because they spend all of their time rioting and howling into the night. I would join just to do that.

3. Dinner – Heston always get’s dressed for Sunday dinner. He has the pimpist outfit ever he could be the white drug dealer in a Dolemite film.

4. Heston – This was the role he was born to play. The parts where Heston is going mad and hearing voices were unscripted. The director kept them rolling because otherwise Heston would shoot him.

I left out jungle fever because it’s not one word and because it’s the end of the world. I don’t think you can be racist when you haven’t seen anything but monster for three years.

Four Word Movie Review – Halloween (2007, Rob Zombie)

In an on going effort to save my millions of readers’ time I have yet again condensed a review down to four words. Since some people, homosexuals, need more information than that to judge a film I have been kind enough to provide a description. Also I have included my early drafts for this review to show how my process works. I know many of you would question the logic in remaking a film that is still watch-able in genera (Horror) that ages far better than others. You would all be right, but I watched it so you have to hear about it and always the drinking game is at the bottom.

First Draft

Don’t see this film.

Draft Two

Kill Rob Zombie…now.

Since that really didn’t please my editor, dickhead, I wrote another review.

Offensive – Why does every Rob Zombie film have to involve these offensive and stereotyped depictions of rednecks, hillbillies, and white trash? It’s like a fucking Slipknot video white a bunch of fat ugly people shrieking at each other. This makes white people look bad, I actually feel offended.

Masturbation – Rob’s just jerking off for most the film. The beginning of the original, i.e. good, film was short and sweet. Rob was able to drag it out for a fucking hour. Michael was already grown and killing babysitters by then. Michael Myers uses masks to disconnect from the world…then stop letting him wear the damn things. We get it you liked that he wears a fucking mask.

Midget – When he murders his whole family (SPOILER ALERT IT’S LAME) he’s wearing the white Shatner mask, but it’s fucking huge so it looks like a mini Michael Myers is killing people. It’s exacerbated by the clown costume he’s wearing, like it’s opposite day and Michael is now a dwarf clown.

Small – If your going to make a bad horror movie, or any movie for that matter, filled with instant dry blood, the Myers having a pool despite being poor, and plot holes including the hiding of the Shatner mask you have a duty to provider one thing – big titties. All the tits in this film were hella small, bug bites really. Everyone was still using a training bra. Small tities are a slap in the face. Rob doesn’t care enough about us to make a good film or admit his film sucks by trying to save it with a few good racks. For shame you bastard.

Drinking Game

Rules – Every time one of these things happens in the film you have to take a drink of something alcoholic. We traditionally play with beer. If you find a better rule please email me at __________. We use five rules because they are easy to remember, but more are listed to give you choices.

1. Halloween paraphernalia shown (Pumpkins, costumes, etc.)

2. Horror Movie Standards (Jumps where something jumps at the screen, “I’ll be right back,” Sex = death, running up stairs, etc)

3. Every time someone dies

4. Every time you hear Michaels name (Michael, Mike, Myers, fucktard)

5. Every time someone screams

6. Every time the stupid masks change.

Example – Someone falls while running from Michael Myers take a drink.

One Drink Rule

1. Every time you see Michael Myers

Four Word Comic Book Review – The Skrull Effect a.k.a Marvels Greatest Reoccurring Blunders

Four Word Comic Book Review – The Skrull Effect a.k.a Marvels Greatest Reoccurring Blunders

By Eric Jackson

We all know the Skrulls in the Marvel U (Earth-616) as the green skinned alien race that can’t ever seem to get it right. From one blundering failure to the next they continue to attack Earth in a never-ending battle to reach some vague and often worthless goal. You would think that they would just give up, but Marvel in all of their wisdom keeps dragging them back out. Secret Invasion is another adventure with some of the worst characters in the Marvel U. This is the standard reset everything you read for the last year wasn’t true. I have four words for Skrulls:

Doombots – For those of you keeping score at home Dr. Doom is the baddest mother in the Marvel U. If you don’t agree with this then you are a fool just like the imbecilic whelp Richards. But often Doom, excuse me, Master doesn’t come off as the undisputed lord of Earth and he often gets defeated or does something out of character…like get defeated so marvel invented a nice loophole—Doombots. When the reset button is needed they hit the Doombot key. Doombot is just Latverian for Skrull.

Clone(s) – Norman Osborn not only made several clones of Spider-Man he lead them on for three years twisting which one was really Peter Parker. SPOILER ALERT – It sucked. I don’t care which one is Peter Parker gimmy some wall crawlin’ and a few funny pages of one-liners. Gone With The Wind is a saga just like the Clone Saga; and frankly Mrs. Scarlet I just don’t give a damn.

Memory-Implant – Wolverine has roughly 4 million memory implants give or take a What If… story and a few lost timelines. Now I’m not a doctor, but I think his bran was just removed and replaced by a memory implant of a brain. I’ve created my own Origin for Logan which starts with 3 or 4 drunk writers who all write different Marvel books and can’t seem to agree on a story. So instead of working on one they used The Skrull Effect making X-23 about as consistent as fruitcake.

Skrulls – I dread these dumb bastards every time a story is going really well, like New Avengers, they pull the Skrull card. This is the reset button; plan B when there just weren’t any other plans. You can try and make it seem cool, but really all that happens is that they pretend to be people and invade. Oh wow the Skrulls are “Secretly Invading?” Huh? Get right out of town! I’d never believe in a million years the shape shifting galactic conquers would pull a stunt like this. You know it’s only going to be a “secret” for about ten seconds until they just run-n-gun attack everything then get their asses kicked. I know there is a Writers strike, but I didn’t think it involved comics. I bet Joe Quesada is a skrull.

More of the West

There is a man and his dog swimming up river. Seriously, I'm watching this happen right now. They have apparently come from a long distance away, because the man is encouraging the dog in a very large voice that it's only a little bit further. I hope they have not come from Jenner, because that is ten miles away, although I would not be surprised. The people in Jenner are very strange. There is an old sea salt named John who feels the need to tell passers-by about the broken down nature of his beloved van, and the hill he must climb to get there. There is a painter who does not paint, but rather stands on street corners and yells at passing dogs. I like Jenner-by-the-sea. For it is in fact by the sea, and there is a lovely fogginess about the place and it smells like sage - mmmmmm sage.
Grownups ride in powerwheels here, and there is a vampire. Seriously, there is a fat woman who wears all black and scowls at the noonday sun. I think the house next door is a gay brothel. Very effeminate young men driving Jettas come for a day or two and steal away into the night. This has happened twice. I feel like I'm caught in a Tim Burton movie.

Travel Blog!

Headlines from the Front:

Christy is in Depression-era Mansion on Beautiful River, Tells Rest of World to "Suck It."
Gramma is Aged, Insane
Family goes through 8-10 wine bottles a night, mostly to deal with Gramma
Cousins Are Super-Cool
Morrisons Go to "Fancy" Town in Sonoma, Mock Locals Together
New Limits: One Bottle of Wine Daily Now Deemed Medically Appropriate (Seriously, look that shit up.)
Kayak-ensconced Christy Runs Down Duck After Too Much Wine Tasting


...and that's just half of day one...

Christy is a liar

This is Christy's away message:
Auto Response from (AOL SN) (2:25:57 PM):

Goooooood morning!

It's time for coffee and cinnamon bun, and then time for a morning constitutional to work it all off :)

As we can see from photographic evidence it is apparently time for passed the fuck out.

Please visit me here.

Please read my new article on thisisby.us

Oh, the humanity!

There's someone you should meet. The fellow on the right's name is Will. Short for Stupid William, this little fucker is the house mascot/resident jungle cat/King of the Universe, at least in his own warped mind.

Why do you need to know Will? Well, because he pretty much sets the tone for the house. His violence, and he is violent, is reflected in our violence, the nightly living room kung fu battles, greeting friends and company with "Hey, Stupid!" and grinning like a bandit at times of conquest.

Will Facts:

Will will drop the nastiest deuce in the history of bean burritos, walk through the living room, and wink at you. Wink.
Will does not care if he is taking up the entire couch for he is giant, and you are weak.
Will can and intends to bite off your left arm.
Will is smarter than you.
When Will is fully grown, he will kill the next monster pig.
Will cares not who or what you are, you are owned by Will.
Will's take no shit attitude endears him to all.
Will is a good pillow/blanket.




One more thing: the cat is a freakin ninja. You think he's in the living room? Wrong! Will is in a shrub, half a block away! Upstairs? No! He is is attacking your foot! Right now! Look at him go! Asleep? Haha! He is in your closet knocking over guitars and spilling shoes from from the top shelf! But mostly, he is in the shrub. He really loves that damn shrub.

What The Fuck Did You Do Last Night?

Hey loser I know you think you had fun last night and that's awesome--but we both know it's a lie. Because I didn't see you at Red White & Bruised which as everyone who was there knows was the only place in the world anyone was having any fun. It's cool though I know you really wanted to see the new Die Hard, grab a bite to eat, and floss so I'll cut you some slack and tell you all about it.

We know we have arrived when we see the bikers and girls on skates. They have a bar at the Dulles Sportsplex which is good because we're at a roller derby event. The armbands actually said beer on them. As Steen, Chris, and I watch the event we understand the rules nearly as well as I understand Soccer rules. To get around this we invented the Roller Derby motto: "Don't know, don't care, roller derby!"
The half time show was swing dancing. I'm sure it was really good, I have no proof of this because I was at the bar.

We saw a woman grab a left over beer and just carry it off. I can only assume she drank it.

Scare Force One our favorite team, who is also undefeated, had a mascot named Eric. I had to get a picture with him.I demand that we find the Roller Derby after party because there has to be one. Sure enough there is one at Asylum in Adams Morgan. They also provide a party bus to and from the games.

Chris is more into this sport than Steen and I, which is cool because he started to get autographs. We hop the metro also know as the slow piece of shit. Asylum is packed with bikers and roller derby girls. Also dudes is the office loser uniform polo shit, new faded jeans, and dress shoes. Chris gets more autographs, I drop a beer, and we argue about who gave who what sexually transmitted disease on the metro home. Chris asking people on the metro their opinion on the matter. I think the debate ended finally with Steen has the super clap.