Eric's Top 100 Films

Shaft
Ikiru
Shichinin no samurai
Citizen Kane
City of God
RoboCop
Goodfellas
Pulp Fiction
Badlands
La Haine
Ran
Clerks
The Royal Tenenbaums
Boyz N The Hood
Spartacus
Requiem for a Dream
The Big Boss aka Fists of Fury
The Shawshank Redemption
The Professional
Payback
The Seventh Seal
Maria Full of Grace
The Boondock Saints
Night of the Living Dead
A Clockwork Orange
Fight Club
The Long Goodbye
Federico Fellini's 8 1/2
Fin De Semana Para Los Muertos
Tenku no Shiro Rapyuta
Rear Window
Dirty Pretty Things
American Psycho
Oldeuboi
Wu jian dao
Kill Bill
The Godfather
Blow
Almost Famous
Amores Perros
Batman Begins
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
How High
Schindler's List
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Die Hard
Lost in Translation
Equilibrium
Primer
Grandma's Boy
The Terminator
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
No Country for Old Men
Thank You For Smoking
Don King: Only in America
Trainspotting
Malcolm X
Baby Face (Pre-Code)
My First Mister
Heathers
Idiocracy
Scarface (Original)
Everything Is Illuminated
Day of the Dead
Run Lola Run
G.I. Joe the Movie
The King of Kong
Man on Fire
Mallrats
Office Space
Battle Royale
Friday the 13th Part ?
Children of Men
Dead Alive
Fresh
Way of the Gun
Down to the Bone
Independence Day
Beer League
Naked Lunch
Marie Antoinette
Cemetary Man
Easy Rider
Hotel Rwanda
Jisatsu Circle
Lilja 4-ever
Donnie Darko
Mysterious Skin
The Last House on the Left
Slaughterhouse Five
Caddyshack
Brazil
Brick
The Return of the Living Dead
American Beauty
The Limey
Class of Nuke 'Em High
Braveheart
CB4
Le Notti del terrore aka Burrial Ground

Four Word Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Four Word Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Sex, Old-school, Doom, Kidnap

If you’re like me and tire of reviews that don’t get to the damn point then this review is for you. Four key words as to why you should see this movie. For people who like long ass reviews I’ve added explanations.

Spoilers so watch the fuck out.

4. Kidnap – As in Harry and Hermione let Dolores Umbridge get kidnapped by Centaurs in the fucking woods. I mean she had this coming, but I like to think Centaurs are equivalent to let’s say an inner-city street gang. They let an old bitch get carried off by the Black Gorilla Family in the middle of the night. Good shit H.P.

3. Doom – Fucking Lord Voldemort is back bitch and he’s gonna kill you. Everyone is doomed, yes even Ron.

2. Old-school – Old-school wizard fight. None of that Matrix/Superman style flashes of motion with a few attacks. No Voldemort and Dumbledore duke it out standing in place throwing forces of nature at one another until they run out of shit. They start with lighting from the wand, move to fire/ice/wind/etc and finish on dragons, glass and sand. They’re old and don’t feel like moving and when you can hurl dragons made out of fire at people why should you?

1. Sex – Harry gets laid. You only see kissing, but two students alone in a magic room whose sole purpose is to be exactly what you want – I’m sorry but that room created a magic bed and Harry hit it like a Griffin.

If it takes anything more to get you out of your crummy dump and go to the movies then I got nothing for you. See Harry potter get laid, watch old-school wizards duke it out, doom, and finally an old bitch get carried off by woodland gangsters.

Four Word Movie Review – The Omega Man (1971)

If you were illiteracy you’d be home by now. In an on going effort to read less and watch films more I have condensed a film review to four words. Additional text is provided for (stupid) people who require more explanation.

1. ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta – Heston shoots everything! If you leave out the photophobic family this could be a commercial for the National Rifle Association.

2. Family – The family is great because they spend all of their time rioting and howling into the night. I would join just to do that.

3. Dinner – Heston always get’s dressed for Sunday dinner. He has the pimpist outfit ever he could be the white drug dealer in a Dolemite film.

4. Heston – This was the role he was born to play. The parts where Heston is going mad and hearing voices were unscripted. The director kept them rolling because otherwise Heston would shoot him.

I left out jungle fever because it’s not one word and because it’s the end of the world. I don’t think you can be racist when you haven’t seen anything but monster for three years.

Four Word Movie Review – Halloween (2007, Rob Zombie)

In an on going effort to save my millions of readers’ time I have yet again condensed a review down to four words. Since some people, homosexuals, need more information than that to judge a film I have been kind enough to provide a description. Also I have included my early drafts for this review to show how my process works. I know many of you would question the logic in remaking a film that is still watch-able in genera (Horror) that ages far better than others. You would all be right, but I watched it so you have to hear about it and always the drinking game is at the bottom.

First Draft

Don’t see this film.

Draft Two

Kill Rob Zombie…now.

Since that really didn’t please my editor, dickhead, I wrote another review.

Offensive – Why does every Rob Zombie film have to involve these offensive and stereotyped depictions of rednecks, hillbillies, and white trash? It’s like a fucking Slipknot video white a bunch of fat ugly people shrieking at each other. This makes white people look bad, I actually feel offended.

Masturbation – Rob’s just jerking off for most the film. The beginning of the original, i.e. good, film was short and sweet. Rob was able to drag it out for a fucking hour. Michael was already grown and killing babysitters by then. Michael Myers uses masks to disconnect from the world…then stop letting him wear the damn things. We get it you liked that he wears a fucking mask.

Midget – When he murders his whole family (SPOILER ALERT IT’S LAME) he’s wearing the white Shatner mask, but it’s fucking huge so it looks like a mini Michael Myers is killing people. It’s exacerbated by the clown costume he’s wearing, like it’s opposite day and Michael is now a dwarf clown.

Small – If your going to make a bad horror movie, or any movie for that matter, filled with instant dry blood, the Myers having a pool despite being poor, and plot holes including the hiding of the Shatner mask you have a duty to provider one thing – big titties. All the tits in this film were hella small, bug bites really. Everyone was still using a training bra. Small tities are a slap in the face. Rob doesn’t care enough about us to make a good film or admit his film sucks by trying to save it with a few good racks. For shame you bastard.

Drinking Game

Rules – Every time one of these things happens in the film you have to take a drink of something alcoholic. We traditionally play with beer. If you find a better rule please email me at __________. We use five rules because they are easy to remember, but more are listed to give you choices.

1. Halloween paraphernalia shown (Pumpkins, costumes, etc.)

2. Horror Movie Standards (Jumps where something jumps at the screen, “I’ll be right back,” Sex = death, running up stairs, etc)

3. Every time someone dies

4. Every time you hear Michaels name (Michael, Mike, Myers, fucktard)

5. Every time someone screams

6. Every time the stupid masks change.

Example – Someone falls while running from Michael Myers take a drink.

One Drink Rule

1. Every time you see Michael Myers